One man’s secret is another’s relevant knowledge

Posted on | October 22, 2008 |

Today someone told me I made a mistake sharing something I thought was common knowledge. First off, I’d like to point out that unless I am specifically told something is a secret, I do not consider it that.

But, I am not dense. In fact, I am quite sensitive to other people’s beliefs and wishes. Not to the point that I would sacrifice my own at a fundamental level, but I am quite chill, and very trustworthy.

So, what do I learn? A lot, in fact. I’ve done a lot of thinking about the term “secret” and “private” over the last two’ish years. A secret is something you don’t want others to know. Why? That’s as individual as the person who holds the secret. What I’ve experienced firsthand are these reasons:

Embarrassment
Just don’t need to know / not relevant
Desire for privacy
Protection of feelings, either the holder’s or someone else’s
and the list goes on…

Let’s disentangle this one first, #1: Protection of feelings, either the holder’s or someone else’s. My personal belief is that this almost always backfires. Why? Trust. For me, to trust someone is to believe that they will believe I am worthy of the truth. That I am an adult and it is my right to make decisions about information as I see fit. Withholding this information because I may have an emotional reaction may come from a caring viewpoint, but I believe that trust and the respect that comes with it are far more valuable. So, if you are in my world, please be informed that trust involves not protecting my feelings, but respecting my own right to know information that is relevant to me.

#2: Embarrassment. To be uncomfortable because someone may know something you hold private indicates to me that you have not fully addressed the object of embarrassment. It would probably do you good to get it aired out, on the table and move forward from it. There is usually less to be afraid of than you might think. In my experience, sharing one of those embarrassing things helps you realize you are human, imperfect and can be humbling. Out of these feelings can you begin to feel compassion for others who also have things they do not wish to discuss. The result? Less ridicule, more understanding, more good feelings.

#3: Just don’t need to know - not relevant. This is obviously a judgement call. It’s best to consider what the other person may find relevant before making a decision to not speak of something. As the post title suggests, your secret may be very important to someone else, if indeed they might make an important decision based on it. (Sidebar: I’ve been meaning to write a post on Manipulation, the emotional weight of the word, and it’s positive and negative uses… perhaps tomorrow). If your withholding of information is intended to prevent someone from doing something they would naturally do, you might want to reconsider. Why? I believe that everyone (all adults) has the right to make decisions for their life. Those close to them should give them that freedom and respect.

#4 Desire for privacy. I must be forthright - I have one belief about this and am working my life towards it. (read: I believe one thing and do another.. for the most part.). I believe that privacy, like many things, is a right which everyone has. On the other hand, I believe that if you have nothing to be embarrassed about, then anything should be able to be discussed with the right people - meaning those you love and trust, or the proper audience. A “proper audience” would be people receptive to those beliefs. This could easily be someone who holds a distinctly opposite opinion but has the compassion and intelligence to have an open, unjudging conversation. Let me tell you, I have plenty of friends who don’t agree with my beliefs, but I have wonderful conversations with them all the time and enjoy their presence. So, back to desiring privacy… It’s best to drill down and examine the root of any desire for privacy. It’s usually founded in one of the three above motivators.

All this being said, I’ve had some great discussions with one particular friend who firmly believes as such: Imagine you find out that one of your friends is cheating on their spouse (not girlfriend/boyfriend) and you are friends with both. Do you tell? He believes the answer is no. Why? It is meddling, and the information should be discovered not through you. I, however, do not agree. Frankly, if my significant other did that to me, I would prefer to hear it from them. But at the same time, if it dragged on for a period of time, I would hope that those close to me would have the courage to inform me. Why? What appears to be meddling is actually respect in my eyes. Respect that I am a human who can choose his own way through life and deserves relevant information to make those decisions. Of course, I assume that in this hypothetical situation that it is fact and not hearsay.

My base belief: Truth may hurt sometimes, but it is always the path to better happiness. I have lived it. It may really, really suck at some points when you take a major reality check, but living without deception/hiding is so much more than blissfully not knowing and then being royally pissed/sad or eating that knowledge secretly day in and day out while fearing the consequences of the telling.

Back to the original topic. My friend who is now mad at me wished something to not be known to someone else. I gave a small part of information in innocence. I believe that this, although unintentional, will lead to greater release for both of them, plus happiness from not having to hide that particular fact anymore. The less you hide, the stronger you are. It all leads to a very authentic approach to life. It’s like emanating this, “I am who I am and I ask no one who that should be” attitude. Perhaps I read a bit of Ayn Rand in my time. ;)

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One Response to “One man’s secret is another’s relevant knowledge”

One Man’s Secret is Another’s Secret Knowledge (part 2) | My Digital Life
October 27th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm

[...] Previously on One Life to Live [...]

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One man’s secret is another’s relevant knowledge

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